Tuesday, April 12, 2011

An Open Letter to Hugh Laurie

I've been completely unmotivated on the garden front lately.  Here's what's been on my mind instead.


Dear Hugh Laurie,

I used to really love the show House.  I mean really, really loved it.  I loved the writing.  And I loved your acting.  And I love your eyes…but most importantly I loved the show.  It made me feel kind of smart, while still being entertaining enough for me to actually watch it, instead of just having it on while I dick around online, which is what I do with shows I think I should watch to be smarter but they’re soooo boooring…anyway, I would watch House and think, that Hugh Laurie, he’s so talented, I want him implanted in my body somewhere behind my ribs.  Not that I really want that.  That would be crazy.

Point is, I love you.  As an actor, I mean.  In a totally platonic way.  But there’s a problem.

House now sucks.  It fucking sucks balls.  I mean, who told those people it would be a good idea to focus on Taub and his wife?  Or Cameron and Chase??  And medical stuff – who needs that?  Oh my god, patient is shooting plasma rays from his penis, but Cuddy got a pedicure and what does that mean???  Plus, Cuddy and House broke up so many times before this last one I just saw that there was no drama left.  This show is no longer sustainable.  Thumbs down – in the gladiator sense. 

Hugh Laurie, this show isn’t good enough for you anymore.  I say you take stinking, toothless, decrepit ol’ House back behind the shed.  Tell him he’s been a real good boy and let him lick your hand one last time, and then blow his brains out with a shotgun.  He won’t feel a thing.

But I don’t want you gone from television entirely.  That would be too painful for me to bare.  I’ve grown so fond of you (see previous mention of imprisoning you behind my ribcage), but I would hate to go back to watching old episodes of Jeeves and Wooster (side note: I know find your real British accent weird and confusing.  Please never use it again).

Instead, my darling Mr. Laurie, I propose a new showcase for your talents.

Perhaps (and remember, this is only an idea – I’m an amateur, you know) you could play the wacky dean of a boarding school.  Rather than focus on the rich kids and their bullshit (after all, they already have shows for that), we could focus on the staff.  Sure, they can have love triangles and stuff.  But they’re all kinda kooky.  And you are the head kook.  The sexy, sexy head kook.  To make it more dark, like House, maybe your character’s wife could have terminal cancer or something.  Not that I want your REAL wife to get terminal cancer, and for you to come to me for comfort or anything.  I DID NOT even mean it like that.  That would be seriously crazy.  Seriously.  

Oh, maybe you could be a tempremental chef!  And the show could be about the restaurant…which is staffed by lesbians!!!!!  So in between fucking everything up and making you mad and causing you to be snarky and totally hilarious, they could…ya know…kiss each other and stuff.  I think I speak for everyone when I say we’d be open to watching that…just not with our parents

So what do you think?  I know, you’ll have to look into your contract and everything…it’s no big.  I mean, I’m here all the time.  Hugh.  New best friend!  Just kidding.  I completely acknowledge that it’s not appropriate that I called you that, I’m sure you have much closer friends than me.

Did I ever tell you, haha, how one time I was going into the supermarket, and I saw a man who looked vaguely like you, and I almost walked into a glass door??  It was so funny.  Not in a creepy way!  You goof.  Totally not creepy. 

So just remember my key points:
-       House sucks.
-       Not creepy!!
-       I’m free to talk, ya know, whenever.
-       Lesbians

Yours for all times,

P.S. I've been feeling a little off lately...do you have any idea what it might be?

1 comment:

  1. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/13/hugh-laurie-lands-mr-pip-_n_848756.html